Language

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES

#17: SARTRE

Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.

With its vocabulary of approximately one million words, English is by far the world's richest language – but only because is so gleefully accepts words from other languages.

For example, there is no counterpart in English for 'silhouette,' 'caravan,' 'schooner,' 'chipmunk' or 'hammock' – to mention just a few – so we use the foreign word itself.

Indeed, a mere 5% of words in English are derived from Anglo-Saxon.

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As sheer casual reading matter, I still find the English dictionary the most interesting book in our language.

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 – Albert Jay Nock (1873-1945)
 – Memoirs of a Superfluous Man [1943], IV, ch. 1

Language creates meaning by difference.

The word »cat« and the word »hat« differ only in their first letters.

But that difference indicates the wisdom of placing the item on one's head.

The common language of the Compost tribes is known as »Cinema Babble«, though a loose translation. Better to be safe and speak as a fragrance.

THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES

#2: RENE

Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as »Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours.«

The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist.

Frank speaks his cinema-babble in the dark, wishing himself across the sea to the inimitable Piccadilly. He remembers how an onion crossed his palm somewhere on down the Lost Highway, and how the shape of Piccadilly's bald head mimicked, exactly, the curve of the onion. Vidalia the harbinger, Vidalia the prophecy.